"I didn't realise you were staying here!" Jess looked around in awe, unsure of how she felt about it. They were currently st...
"I didn't realise you were staying here!" Jess looked around in awe, unsure of how she felt about it.
They were currently standing in the house she had spent a lot of her childhood and teen years growing up in. It was the gang house that they had lived in with Buddy and it had been the only place she had ever really been able to call home.
She had been the only one to move out at the age of 18 and get her own place. At the time she claimed that she wanted the independence but really, she just couldn't bear living in that kind of environment where she was the only female. It was consuming.
"I was trying to figure out what to do with it." Jay shrugged his shoulders as he looked around at a place that had once been loved but was now deserted and looking lonely and worn.
Jay had been staying in a hotel for the most part of being back in Brighton as he had felt a bit uneasy about coming here. However, he had quickly bucked up the courage to come and see it and ended up staying.
It brought back so many memories, both good and bad and it was a warming feeling sleeping here at night. It reminded him of how things used to be at a time when everything made sense.
Back then he felt on top of the world. He may not have been in charge of a gang but that didn't matter to him at the time. He felt as though he had everything at his feet and nothing could tear him down.
He had the strength, he had a good mindset and he didn't let anything get in the way of what he wanted. He was so careless and carefree, never taking anything too seriously.
However, things were not like that anymore. Not only had the game changed, so had the people. The tight unit that they used to be had been broken down and it was difficult to know who they could trust.
Matt was no longer by his side as he always had been and the one woman he loved more than anything, had also moved on with her life.
For the first time in so long, Jay actually felt lonely. He didn't feel on top of the world, he didn't feel as though he had everything under control and he didn't feel particularly happy.
He had everything he had ever dreamed of in terms of the gang but it wasn't enough. He missed the life he used to live. He missed every single part of the dysfunctional family that grew up in this house together.
"You can't get rid of it." Jess suddenly jumped in, not being able to bear the thought.
She hadn't really thought twice about it in so long however, seeing it now made her realise how much she missed it too.
"What else am I going to do with it?" Jay chuckled as though she was crazy. "No one has lived in it for years. I may as well sell it and make some money."
"You could live in it." She suggested, walking over to take a seat on the sofa.
She took the spot she had always sat in, the place she had insisted was her own. Looking around at the other sofas in the room, she could picture each of the guys sitting around. They would have the alcohol out, guns pushed off to the side and a stack of cards waiting to be played with.
This room was a place that actually heard the laughter that occurred away from the seriousness of what they did. It held the smiles that were rare and seemed non-existent to those on the outside.
"I don't plan on sticking around, Jess. It's a waste."
Jay's words shocked Jess as her head instantly shot up to look at him.
"What do you mean?"
Sighing, Jay began pacing before taking a seat on the sofa opposite. That most definitely was not where he used to sit.
"I'll be going back to Vegas. Once Buddy is dead there won't be a lot of purpose for me here."
Biting down on her lip, Jess wanted to yell all of her feelings at him but instead she just remained quiet. Jay wasn't aware what had gone on over the few weeks since that kiss. He didn't know how much thinking and pulling at her hair it had taken to figure out what she wanted. He was completely oblivious.
"Why can't you just hang around Brighton? What is there for you in Vegas?"
Picking up an old envelope that had been left on the coffee table, Jay began pulling through it, completely avoiding Jess' gaze.
"The gang, business... the guys want to be out there. Things are shit around here for us now."
It seemed strange to Jess that Brighton could go from being the place to be for this gang, to somewhere they couldn't wait to escape from. This city used to be their life however, now it clearly did not hold the same love it previously had.
"Why do you want to be where it's most dangerous? Surely it's better to watch from afar and make your way in when you benefit from it." Jess suggested causing a smirk to cross Jay's face.
"Are you using your ex-gang member wisdom to give me advice Jess?" He teased causing her to blush, something she was mentally slapping herself for.
"It makes sense though. You're more likely to get caught in pointless shit while you're out there when you could instead watch everyone else do it and then pick up the winning pieces."
She didn't need to say it, it was obvious to Jay what she was doing, he just didn't know why. She was trying to prevent him from leaving. She was trying to stop him from making the decision to go back to Vegas and instead stay in Brighton.
"So I stay and live in this old place?" Jay swept a hand around the room, taking note of the battered furniture.
It really was a realisation for not only Jay but Jess too about the conditions they lived in. It wasn't awful but it wasn't the most beautiful interior they had ever seen.
They used to live in the rough and never complained. They didn't need fancy things or expensive furniture, it was all about the team work of a gang for them.
"You can do it up. I'd help!" Jess suddenly jumped to her feet, the excitement taking over as her mind began to wander.
Running her hand along the wall she began to imagine all the different ways she could change this place, yet still keep it vaguely the same. She could make it look more modern yet keep the old memories that they loved so much looming around.
"Just a bit of paint and a few upgrades. It would look amazing."
Jay was watching Jess as she moved around the room, pointing at the different things she would change and keep the same. He was watching her with so much love in his eyes and those crazy feelings continued to swirl in his stomach.
"So if I agree to this, you'd help me?" He asked and his words suddenly caught Jess' attention and she forced her body around to look at him.
"Wait, are you serious?"
"Sure am." Jay chuckled, moving forward on the sofa as Jess made her way over to him.
"You're not pissing around? You'd actually stay?"
Nodding his head, Jay couldn't help but smile as he watched that exact same look appear on Jess' face. She was beaming from ear to ear at the idea, unable to hide how excited she felt at the prospect of this.
"What would you change first?" He asked with a quiet voice, his eyes still lovingly set on Jess'.
Thinking about it for a moment, Jess looked around the room before taking the extra step closer to Jay.
"Stand up." She instructed, taking hold of his hand and guiding him to his feet.
Moving around his body so she was behind him, she began pushing him over to the corner of the room and then urging him to turn around and look at it.
"New sofas for starters but the same amount." She pointed over to them, wanting to keep each seat the gang had sat in. "Then these walls need a bit more colour, something that doesn't scream darkness and fear. That's not necessary anymore." She chuckled.
"And what about those holes in the wall?" He asked with a smirk, as they both knew what had caused them.
Many times this gang had lost their temper and it seemed as though the poor wall was the thing that always suffered. Punches would be thrown or items and people would be thrown about and cause an extreme amount of damage that was never fixed.
"Maybe we could fix them or..." Jess walked over to the envelope Jay had been looking through. Picking it up off the table she pulled out some of the photos he had found inside. "We can cover them up with memories like this."
Following her over to the coffee table, Jay looked down at the photo held in Jess' hand. It was one of the whole gang crowded on the sofa together with drinks in hand and smiles on their face. They had set up the camera and put it on a timer so they could all get in. It was a beautiful and heart warming sight.
"I love this one." Jay grinned, taking it from Jess' hand.
"Yeah me too. We actually all look happy and we're not arguing." Jess agreed before Jay began to laugh.
"No... I like it because you moved out the day after that."
There was silence for a moment while Jess turned to look at Jay while trying to judge his emotion. Her mouth was wide open in shock while a huge teasing expression spread across Jay's face.
"I hate you!" She pulled it from his hand as Jay erupted into laughter.
"I'm joking, I'm joking!" He held his hands up in defense, trying to take the photo back.
"No you're not. Don't lie."
The game continued from there as Jess continued to pull the photo out of Jay's reach while he persisted to try and earn it back. It was all only causing Jay to laugh more as the frustration built up in Jess' face due to her struggle.
"Thank you!" Jay grinned the moment he caught it from her hand and caused them both to stumble backwards.
Reaching his arm out, Jay stopped himself from falling with his hand on the wall and watched while Jess' back fell into it.
"I missed you really. I cried myself to sleep." He mocked as he leaned over her.
"Oh I'm sure you did." She rolled her eyes before the only place they managed to focus on were his lips.
With his body hovering over her own, she felt sheltered and consumed with so much tension running between them. They were so close yet neither of them were reacting to it and it was only making it worse.
"Things were different after that." He breathed.
"So you did want me back?" Jess asked, watching as he smiled, a sight she absolutely loved as it was so rare.
"Mm, I did. It was shit without you."
Jay's words were spoken with so much depth and honesty. He really truly meant it. He had missed Jess like crazy once she had moved out because although he still saw her all the time, it wasn't the same.
"I don't know why I left to be honest. I don't know what I was trying to prove."
"That you didn't need us." Jay answered for her, taking Jess by surprise. "You wanted to insist you were independent and could cope on your own. I get that."
Nodding her head, Jess looked to the floor before back to his eyes.
"But I also realised that I did still need you all. It was lonely on my own." Jess was honest for the first time.
Although moving out of this house had been a good feeling, it had been strange and she had missed them. It had taken a while for her to finally settle in.
"I hated it at first. I was so tempted to come back."
"I remember that first night..." Jay began with a teasing expression on his face.
"Shut up!" Jess demanded before he could say anything else, only causing him to laugh more.
"It was sweet."
"No it was not!"
Jess had called Jay the first night she moved because she had been too alone to spend it on her own. She was a confident girl even as a teen but after spending years living in a house full of gang members, that first night alone had been isolating.
"Please Jay, please just come over. I'm not scared, I just don't want to be alone." Jay mocked as Jess' face flushed bright red.
"Stop." She laughed pushing his chest.
"Just for one night, then I'll be fine. Just for tonight." He continued.
Looking up at him, Jess was trying not to laugh even if he was taking the absolute mick.
"I actually hate you!" Jess's hands were placed against his chest, beginning to push him away before tightening her grip and instead pulling him towards her.
"No you don't." Jay insisted allowing the movement and happily closing the proximity between them. "You never could."
In that moment where both individuals were full of laughter and memories, yet also feeling completely vulnerable, the space between them was closed. As Jess pulled Jay towards her, Jay happily complied and ran his hands gently around her neck and urged her closer.
"Maybe you're right." Were the last words Jess mumbled before Jay's lips pressed to hers and she didn't hold back from kissing him back. The desperation was obvious. The tension had been building up since the last kiss they had shared. Neither one of them wanted to back away. How could they when every single thing about this felt so right.
As Jess' body was forced further against the wall, Jay's body pressed into hers. Every single thing about this moment was desperation. Every single movement was out of long awaited want.
Briefly pulling away to catch their breath, a small smile creeped up on Jay's face.
"Please just stay with me tonight. I don't want to be alone." He continued to mock causing Jess to push his body off hers.
"Shut. Up." She demanded with a pointing finger as he only laughed more. "Or I won't stay here tonight."
Jess' comment made Jay completely pause on the teasing as his expression fell placid. He wasn't quite sure if he had heard her correctly.
"Yes I would stay tonight." Jess repeated with a grin over her face as she watched the confusion on his.
"But-"
He was forced to stop talking when Jess' lips found his again.
"We can get a head start on doing this place up. We can figure out what we want every room to look like."
"You were actually serious about that?"
“Of course I was!” Jess was shocked that he didn’t think so. “I’ve been planning it in my head ever since I brought it up.”
“But what about Jack? I can’t imagine he’ll be too pleased with you spending time here.”
Jay’s next comment caused Jess to fall silent as she avoided his eye contact for a moment and looked down to her hands. She had been holding back from saying anything to Jay about this, even when they had kissed but she didn’t know why. She didn’t know when was the right time or if there was a right time. It was an alien situation for her to be in and that made it difficult to manage.
“It won’t matter to him anymore…” Jess began, briefly glimpsing up at Jay before looking away again. “We broke up… a few weeks ago.”
While she had spent the past few weeks dealing with her new life out of a marriage, Jay had been completely oblivious. Of course the main reason for things to end had been because her feelings for Jay had been something she couldn’t get rid of however, she hadn’t wanted to tell him that. She didn’t want Jay to feel obliged to drop everything for her as she just wanted to see how it went.
“Wait, what?” Jay looked at her in complete shock, yet there was an obvious smile shining through that he was failing to hide. “No fucking way.”
“Yeah.” Jess nodded nervously, hating herself for feeling so vulnerable and nervous under Jay’s gaze. This wasn’t like her, she felt like a blushing school kid.
“So you’re single? Completely and utterly single?”
“Mm…”
“So I’ve spent the night holding back from getting too close to you again for absolutely no fucking reason?”
Jess couldn’t help but laugh as he looked genuinely offended that he had put so much effort into it for nothing.
"Well you kissed me... I wouldn't exactly call that holding back." Jess mocked causing Jay to laugh back, a light and playful laugh that was so precious from a man like him.
"Good point."
“But you don’t need to 'hold back' anymore.” Jess found herself saying before she could stop herself.
Her body was erupting with those same nerves as butterflies consumed her stomach. She felt that desperate want coming back as she looked at Jay and it was obvious he was feeling the exact same way.
“No?” He asked, testing it before reacting.
“No.” Jess whispered as she watched Jay’s hand reach out to take hers.
Running his fingers gently over her palm sent cold shivers throughout her body which were only multiplied when his lips pressed to her skin.
It was such a sweet and innocent gesture yet it filled her with so many feelings that she could not even begin to describe, yet also enough tension to prevent her from being able to hold back.
“We were obviously wasting so much time.” Jess continued to tease as she used the material of Jay's shirt to pull herself closer.
“So much fucking time.” Jay repeated before Jess’ lips brushed over his and as she tried to tease him that little bit more, he didn’t allow it. Instead, he closed the gap between them.
It was a kiss that felt completely different to the previous ones they shared because it was no longer filled with guilt. It was refreshing to be intimate and only have each other on their minds instead of the thoughts of everything else around them. They were able to enjoy it for what it was, just like they used to and there was no better feeling than that.
This man sat in front of her, was someone who Jess had so much love for and she couldn’t believe she had let him practically become a stranger in her life. He may be messed up himself, he may not be anywhere near perfect and be cold-hearted to everyone but her, but that was okay because it was what made him Jay.
