"Wow..." Lottie breathed as she walked around Harvey's apartment. "...this place is stunning."
Heading out onto the balcony, she rested against the glass panel as Harvey followed her through.
"It's pretty insane, right? It's not quite the same as looking out over the sea but the river is cool too." He grinned, causing Lottie to laugh.
"Almost the same thing. Plus, you get to see those cool boats here and all of the posh students riding them."
"I think they call that punting, Lottie." Harvey teased, as her face flushed a light shade of red.
"Yeah, that's what I meant."
It was so weird, everything about this felt weird. For the first time in so long, Lottie felt nervous around Harvey and wasn't exactly sure how to act. Usually his jokes or teasing comments would be responded with by a roll of her eyes or laughter, but she couldn't help but feel slightly on edge.
Neither of them really knew what they were doing or what any of this meant. So the only thing that they could do, was go with it and see what happened.
"I bet Addie has given you the most detailed tour since you've been here, hasn't she?"
"Every single detail. She seems to know it like the back of her hand now."
"It's nice knowing that she's found somewhere that she's so comfortable with though. Your mum worried like crazy when she first left, didn't she?"
Nodding his head, Harvey remembered those first few weeks so well. His mum had been in bits and as much as Addie loved it here, none of them really understood what it was like for her. However, now that Harvey was here and was getting to experience the lifestyle, he was beginning to understand her love for it.
"Addie is in her absolute glory. She is surrounded by smart people and shops. What could be better for her?" Harvey replied and Lottie knew that there couldn't be anything more perfect for the 22 year old.
"I bet she fits right in."
As they both stood in silence for a moment, Lottie continued to watch the punting boats sail by, alongside the tourists and locals walking alongside the river. It was a beautiful and peaceful sight, giving her time to process every emotion that was flying at her.
There was so much she wanted to say and so much they needed to talk about. However, she was finding it very difficult in knowing where to start.
"Thank you for letting me come here by the way." Lottie finally said as she glimpsed a look at Harvey.
As she did so, he removed his gaze from the sights ahead and looked her right in the eyes. There was so much warmth in his eyes, causing a great deal of ease to flow through Lottie's body.
Somehow, after everything that had happened, being in Harvey's presence still had the ability to make her feel at home, no matter where they were.
"I'm glad you came. It's good to see you." Harvey replied, his voice composed but speaking each word with so much meaning.
Nodding her head, Lottie looked straight out to the river once again, as many things she wanted to say pranced around in her mind. She was waiting for the right time, waiting to judge the situation and what this actually meant before saying anything however, at the same time, she knew that she could make the right time if she just had the confidence to speak up.
"I missed this." Lottie began, her voice coming out as barely even a whisper. "...us, hanging out, being together. I missed you."
"I missed you too." Harvey said, with his eyes still on her, watching as the typical Cambridge breeze caused her hair to flow in sync with it. "I know that I hurt you, big time and it's unforgivable but at the time, I didn't think I was ready to get serious. Marriage and kids were our next step and I was fucking terrified, so I just chickened out and ran instead."
Lottie just watched Harvey as he spoke, allowing him this moment to explain.
They already shared a conversation when they first broke up however, she knew that perspectives had changed on both sides and it was only fair to have that chance again.
"But I quickly realised that being single and messing around wasn't me. It wasn't as fun as I expected because it didn't mean anything. Instead, it just made me realise how ready I was to settle down and get serious. I didn't want to waste anymore time."
"I get it." Lottie agreed, something she wouldn't have done a couple of months ago. "What you did hurt so much and it still does. I can't forgive you that easily but I do get it. Those few months gave me chance to think too. I think it gave us both a break to breath a little and realise what we wanted. We had never experienced adulthood without each other, so I think we needed to do that."
Harvey was shocked but grateful to hear those words leave Lottie's lips. What he had done had been cruel and selfish yet she was standing here, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
"Being away from you did help me think..." Lottie continued. "...but it made me think of how shit things were without you too. That's why it was taking me so long to see or speak to you again, and why Naomi was giving you such a hard time that night at the bar... she had seen me in tears that day and most days before that."
Edging himself a little further down the balcony, Harvey was now almost shoulder to shoulder with Lottie. However, he was still yet to touch her and kept a respectful distance as she spoke.
"I didn't just miss you and everything we had, I missed our whole life that we had built. Your family were my family. I'm not close to my dad and brothers, so when I lost you all, it hurt... a lot. I don't think I've ever felt so alone..."
Lottie couldn't look at Harvey at this point because she was unsure of what his reaction would be. She wanted to be honest and truthful with him but she wasn't sure if this would be what he expected.
However, little did she know that his heart was breaking as she spoke. The idea of her sitting in her apartment, in tears and feeling the most alone she ever has, filled him with hurt and so much guilt.
He had done that. He had caused that for the girl he was supposed to love and care about.
He didn't blame her if she could never forgive him because he wasn't even sure if he could forgive himself.
"Lottie, I'm so..." Harvey began before she held her hand up to stop him.
"Don't. You don't need to say it again. You've said it so many times."
It was true, he had but Harvey didn't think he could ever say it enough.
"But I am and I mean it. I'm sorry because I fucked up something amazing and trust me, my family made me know it. They missed you, they still do. You're still a huge part of us and I don't think they'll ever let that go."
There was a warmth flowing through Lottie once again, just from hearing those words. She had hoped that it had been the case but never really knew if it would be. She knew that Grace had been over to the big family BBQ, and that gesture alone had felt like a replacement.
Therefore, knowing that the Lawrence's still cared about her meant everything.
"I saw your mum and dad not long ago actually in town." Lottie muttered, as she looked up at Harvey through her lashes. "We got talking about past memories and stuff, and in particular that holiday to Italy."
Harvey didn't even need to question what holiday she was referring to. He knew the one. It had been incredibly special for so many reasons.
"Your mum was teasing your dad about that day when you and him were so desperate to watch the football in the only British pub there. So we did and ended up getting completely lost, yet you and your dad kept trying to convince us you had it under control."
Harvey couldn't help but chuckle as the memories of that day flooded his own mind. How could he forget? It had been a story his mum and Lottie continued to tell at every family gathering.
"We did have it under control! We were discussing it with the locals." Harvey grinned causing Lottie to smile.
"Oh yeah, of course, in your perfect Italian."
"Exactly! You two just had no trust in us."
"Well you did get us back to the hotel in the end, but I'm pretty sure that was with your mum's input." Lottie remarked and although it was true, Harvey and Jack had never been willing to admit it and would not start now.
"God, I miss it though. That holiday was something else, a whole other level." Harvey said as he reminisced back to those 3 weeks they had spent there with all of the family.
"It was amazing." Lottie agreed, as not only had it been amazing to spend it as a family, but herself and Harvey had also had moments alone, where he had made it incredibly romantic. "I want to relive it."
As silence broke between them once more, Harvey held out his hand towards Lottie. Glimpsing up at him, she didn't react immediately, although she really wanted to.
However, when she finally did place her hand in his, she felt a rush of butterflies throughout her body and her heart began to pound against her chest. It was one simple touch of his hand but it caused so many feelings to erupt. It was a reminder of what used to be such a simple and unappreciated action, but now it seemed to mean much more.
Harvey followed by guiding Lottie towards him and embraced her in his arms, wrapping them warmly around her. As she rested her head against his chest, she closed her eyes and appreciated being in his hold once again. Even after everything that had happened and all of the trust that she had lost in him, she still felt reassured and at home in his arms.
This trip to Cambridge was one that was going to cause some trouble back home however, it was also one that Lottie wanted to use wisely. She had been warned by her best friend's yet at the end of the day, she trusted her own instinct and believed that she was capable of doing what was best for her, without anyone else's judgements.
**
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